The Tampon Bay Devil Rays

VS

The Boston Red Sox

Head to Head Matchups

 All time record:

                                                      RedSox 98 Wins           vs        Tampax Bay Rays 58 Wins

 Now I know this group of queens is used to piling on each other in the shower at the end of every game but that does not give them the right to pile on Coco Crisp during a fight and try to gang rape him.  They are a half a game ahead of us where they feel comfortable because they love having 24 guys behind them on any given day. Well lets compare these guys and see who you would choose.

Julio "E6" Lugo vs Jason " Gizmo" Bartlett 

        After the lights came on at fenway they immediatley knocked Bartlett to the ground where he then curled into a ball screaming "bright light bright light" repeatedly. Lugo, sensing his weakness grabbed a box of 50 baseballs and not wanting to get to close to the scary gremlin began hurling them at Bartlett to finish him off. Needless to say Lugo did not come anywhere close to hitting him with the  50 balls. He then grabbed a bat and swung 3 consecutive at Bartletts head and again he didnt come close. When E6 charged off the field to get the fungo bat  the sprinklers came on which instantly killed him. Because he is a gremlin.

Melvin Emmanuele "BJ" Upton  VS Covelli "CoCo" Crisp

       Battle of the flat brims. BJ is darker which instantly brings more street cred because everyone knows most dark blacks dont like or respect lighter skin blacks.  If his name is Melvin Emmanuele where did the nickname BJ come from you ask. Well after interviewing Jonny "Cheap Shot" Gomes I dug to the bottom of it. "Well we used to call him HJ Upton" Jonny recalled with a sly smirk on his steriod fueled acne covered face. "In his rookie year he was known as HJ, but then with typical Tampax Ray Hazing we discovered he had quite a talent with not only his hands but also his mouth." For further explanation...SEE BELOW....                    
Edge COCO for obvious reasons

Ben "WHOOOO?" Zobrist VS Kevin "YOUUU" Youkilis

      This is the battle of our current first baseman. Ben went to Dallas Baptist church where he is a 100 percent devoted christian who is saving himself for marriage. Youk however never made it past 2nd grade because apparently you get thrown out of grade school for having a beard and giving out mustache rides to the entire female faculty staff. Sorry Ben, even your piece of shit god cant save you this time. Youk unleashes a vicious headbutt that knocks Ben right back into AAA. Hey Ben, how your sex life similar to your major league debut? You have yet to make it past 2nd base. 

 vs   -A /Makeup =

Michael "Cat in da Hat" Lowell VS Evan Longoria

    I love the fact that you can yell all sorts of things at this douche because of his name. So many jokes, so little time. Maybe I hate him because he is three years younger than me and has already made more money than I ever will in this pathetic existence of my life. Either way this guy is a douche, he has the whole "im cool with my tiny bit of facial hair and my west coast laid back look." I bet this guy throws up peace signs is almost every picture he takes. Lowell has the highest fielding percentage EVER for a third baseman in the HISTORY of major league baseball.  Evan has the highest percentage of wanting to give double handjobs to guys in the locker room before,during, or after games while sitting in a chair next to a disgusting looking couch.

"HURRY! PRODUCE THE COCKS MY HANDS AND GAY MOUTH ARE GETTING BORED!!"

              VS

Sir Jonathan David Drew VS Eric "Joe Schmo" Hinske

   Few things to know about these guys. 1. JD "Mr. June" Drew is the greatest left handed hitter of our generation. The only logical reason for this is that they did infact freeze Ted Williams body... and over the winter, thawed him out...stay with me here...they then killed and sewed JD's skin onto a unfrozen and very alive Ted Williams body.  2. The greatest reality show of all time stars Eric Hinske.( BEST SHOW EVER / download here.) All of you guys were ragging on JD last year making comments like "his flesh colored beard freaks me out" and "he is over paid, and shows no emotion". Well I am the only one who stood by him through the toughs times. All I have to say is they should get out the tools and have the grounds crew be on alert, because on July 25th they will be moving that  red seat about 15 rows up in right field when Just Disabled Drew hits the walkoff against the Yankees while I am there. Hinske was overpaid last year not JD. He only had one good game check it out thats all he contributed. Us giving him a ring would be like if the Yankees gave Carl Pavano a ring for them winning in....hmmm wait, when was the last time they won?

     Jd Drew aside.. guys back then werent pussies like everyone today. Ted Williams twice interupted his career to fight in WWII and Korea as a fighter pilot. Cory Lidle wanted to play pilot and well..... pictures are worth a thousand words

Too bad he didnt try and fly the team jet one day.


PART II TOMORROW

PART II  vs Jonathan Paplebon VS Troy Percival Paplebon is my hero and is in his prime. Percival is so old he got fire as a present for his 9th birthday. How does someone continue to pitch when they are 41 years old? Steriods anyone, he denies it but you cant spell Percival without the letters LIAR.  VS  + =      Every girl in boston the ages of 17-40 has a dream of becoming Miss Ellsbury. Why you ask, well let these do the talking. He likes eating things that resemble tacos   He will get you wet He cleans up nicley He will help you change a tire You can use him as a ironing board Calm down you filthy bitches. I dont know what to say about Crawford I am in a daze from those pictures. VS Dustin "El Caballito" Padoria VS Akinori "Im going to be kind with this nickname just in case Diana reads this" Imamura  Dustin is 5'9 180 lbs,  this guy is a  pathetic 5'9 175lb. And 4.2 pounds of that are from his Chullet alone.  *Joke Alert*  It must suck to be last two guys on the field to realize its raining. HEYOOOO. Anyways I had a feeling if you moved this guys pencil thin eyebrows down his face they would cover his eyes. And guess what? I was right yet again. Where did his eyes go? In 2007( his rookie year in which he didnt win the ROTY award because of Dustin who did win it because he is a badass) he was involved in a controversy during a game with the yankees. "According to Rays team spokesman Chris Costello, the Yankees questioned the flatness of the end of Iwamura's bat. The bat was sent to the Commissioner's Office for inspection, where it was found to be acceptable for use." I mean come on, Its not his fault he wanted a bat that matched the shape of his face.  On November 14, information leaked that the highest bidder that won the right to negotiate with Iwamura was the Tampa Bay Rays.I wonder if they wanted him because he played for the Tokyo Yakult Swallows? Fenway Vs Tropicana Field The oldest ball park in america with a MLB record 402 straight sellouts vs Goofy dome with 0 sellouts. Fenway has hosted concerts by such artists as Jimmy Buffett, Aerosmith, and Bruce Springsteen. Tropicana Field is hosting a hot concert of their own this week. But who is performing? None other than the powerhouse group Loverboy. I would say hurry and get your tickets now but that bitch is free. So if you are poor and cant afford air conditioning or you just like your ears bleeding you should go. Championships,HOF'ers,atmosphere, blah,blah,blah I could go on and on. Its 7:05pm fucking game time now bitches. Oh wait watching their broadcasts is painful. Half the time the games arent shown on Tv. Its shot with extra low def cameras that are blurry and shaky as fuck. It looks like I am watching a game from 1987. Is that Bob Stanley or Dustin Pedoria?